A little boy was listening...

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"

http://www.cegguam.org/catholic_jokes

A man walks into a monastery and ...

A man walks into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.” The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk except every ten years.” The man replies “Fine.” Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot asks, “Well my son what have you to say. The man replies “Bed’s hard.” The abbot remarks, “Is that it?” The man says, “Yes”. Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says, “Food stinks!” The abbot asks, “Is that it?” And the man says “Yes.” Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says “Water’s cold. I quit!” And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since you got here!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

Cardinal Ratzinger goes running ...

Cardinal Ratzinger goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite beside himself. “Holy Father, Holy Father!” “What is it my son?” the pope responds. “I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? “ “The good news”, responds the Holy Father. The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!” “Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds “So what’s the bad news? “ Ratzinger responds “He in Salt Lake City.”

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

A man suffered a serious heart ...

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

Why can`t Anglicans play...

Q. Why can`t Anglicans play chess?

A. Because they can`t tell a Bishop from a Queen.

The Seven Dwarfs ...

The Seven Dwarfs go to visit the Pope. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
      
      "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
      
      "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?" Dopey questions.
      
      "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
      
      "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
      
      "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
      
      In the background, the six remaining dwarves softly began to chant: "Dopey's in love with a penguin, Dopey's in love with a penguin..."

http://jokes.edigg.com/Catholic/The_Seven_Dwarfs.shtml

The children were lined...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

Not so very long ago...

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic." The priest said, "But that`s not a sin! I wouldn`t feel bad about that if I were you!" "But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed." The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn`t the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don`t worry about it too much; God forgives." The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

After the Baptism ...

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

Lost on a rainy Friday night...

Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he`s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he`s ever had. After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I`m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis." "I`m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I`ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I`m the fish friar." Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...." "Yes, I`m afraid I`m the chip monk..."

A guy joins a monastery ...

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. he's allowed to say two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.       
      "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.       
      7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.       
      He clears his throat and say, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.       
      7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.      
      "I quit," he says.       
      "That's not surprising," the elders say. "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

http://jokes.edigg.com/Catholic/2_Words.shtml

A Catholic boy and ...

A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

Years ago in Ireland...

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. "Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You`re not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you`ll never so much as mention the British in public again." "But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered. "No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there`ll be trouble!" "Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it." The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, `Is it I Lord?` and the Lord says, `Nay, Andy darlin`, it`s not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.` Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, `Is it I Lord?` And the Lord says, `Nay, Johnny me boy, it`s not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.` "Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, `Blimey, Mate. Ya think it`s me?"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

A priest and a bus driver ...

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books." The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want." The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don`t think I`m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?" St. Peter just laughs and says "You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

A pair of Irish ditch ...

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution. They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can`t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T`is a shame, I tell ya!" Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."

A nun at a Catholic school...

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said `a Protestant!`"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

A Jewish couple has a son ...

A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he`s kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves. An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They`ve got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

Scene: New York City..

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don`t jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven`t got a father; I`m going to jump." The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven`t got one; going to jump." Desperate the cop yells up "Don`t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin" Man replies "Who is that?" Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You`re blocking traffic!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

The Pope goes to New York

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I`m sorry, but I don`t think I`m supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can`t really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: Chief, I have a problem. Chief: What sort of problem? Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it`s someone really important. Chief: Important like the mayor? Cop: No, no, much more important than that. Chief: Important like the governor? Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that. Chief: Like the president? Cop: More. Chief: Who`s more important than the president? Cop: I don`t know, but he`s got the Pope driving for him!

A farmer named Muldoon...

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately, I can't say Mass for the poor creature..."
Muldoon said, "I understand, Father, I do. I guess I'll go to this new denomination down the road; no tellin' what they believe... Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!"

http://www.fisheaters.com/jokes.html

The new priest is nervous....

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=399

Jesus was walking...

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

A little boy was listening ...

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father`s sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes/

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist ...

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world`s most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world`s largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

A rabbi, a priest and a minister ...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Two Jesuit novices...

Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

One morning a man ...

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.       
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"       
"Flat on his back over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
http://jokes.edigg.com/Catholic

A Franciscan and Jesuit ...

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven: My sons, Please stop bickering about such trivial matters, Sincerely, God, O.P.
http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes

A man walked up to...

A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?" The Franciscan asked, "What`s a Mercedes Benz?" The Jesuit asked, "What`s a novena?"

Two men considering ...

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked. The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants." "What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" "Met any Albigensians lately?"
http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/catholic-jokes